Coming Out as Autistic: A Guide to Navigating Stigma and Finding Support
Whether you are self-diagnosed as autistic or you have completed a formal assessment, you might have realised that you are autistic as an adult and you might be thinking about coming out (sharing this part of your identity with others), but might feel unsure about it. Deciding to tell other people you are autistic is a significant personal choice that can both lead to greater self-understanding and acceptance, but also come with challenges.
This guide aims to help you navigate the process with practical advice on what to expect, how to prepare, and how to prioritise your safety and well-being.
Why would you like to tell others that you are autistic?
Before you decide to come out, take some time to reflect on your reasons to do this. Are you looking for understanding and support from others? Do you want to be open about your needs and experiences? Would it be easier/safer to unmask?
Clarifying your motivations can help you communicate more effectively and prepare for various responses. Reasons are very different and personal and as long as you are doing this for you, it is fine. It is very common for autistic people to want to come out because they feel that they are ‘hiding’ if not or that they ‘can’t be themselves’, so sometimes that can be an important element for the person to free themselves from masking around safe people. However, it is important to consider your safety when coming out as autistic and to prioritise that above everything else.
Considering Safety First When Coming Out
This includes both emotional and physical safety. Evaluate the environment and the people you plan to disclose to—are they generally supportive and understanding, or have they shown discriminatory behaviours in the past? Sometimes this is really difficult because you know you want to disclose this information to people that are not supportive but it feels important to you. In these cases, if you decide to go ahead it is crucial to ensure you have a safe space to retreat after if the response is negative.
Additionally, have a support system in place, such as trusted friends, family, or a therapist, who can provide reassurance and assistance if needed. Understanding potential risks and having a plan to manage them can help you approach this significant step with greater confidence and security.
Preparing to Come Out
Give yourself time to process that you are autistic: Make sure you have a solid understanding of what autism means for you. For late-diagnosed adults, there is usually a process of re-evaluating their life with these new lenses, processing the information with that perspective and understanding things that did not make sense before. Giving yourself time to process and gain understanding about your neurotype will help you answer questions and address misconceptions.
Find Support: Connect with others in the autistic community who can offer advice and share their experiences. Online forums, support groups, and social media can be great resources.
Plan Your Approach: Think about how and when you want to come out. You might start with people you trust the most before telling others. Decide whether you want to have these conversations face-to-face, in writing, or via other methods.
Emotional Readiness: Coming out can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you’re in a good place mentally and have coping strategies in place.
Set Boundaries: You have the right to set boundaries about what you’re willing to discuss and with whom.
Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling with the emotional aspects of coming out, consider talking to a therapist who is neuroaffirming.
What to Expect
Varied Reactions: People’s reactions can range from supportive and understanding to confused or dismissive. Be prepared for a mix of responses and remember that if you anticipate the response to be dismissive, you don’t have to disclose it to this person. You might still decide it is worth it, but remember that the option is always yours. Below, we explore the most common stigmatising reactions that you might encounter. It might be helpful for you to read about them and internalised why so you are prepared for them.
Questions and Curiosity: Some people may have questions. Decide in advance how much detail you’re comfortable sharing. It’s okay to set boundaries.
Potential Misunderstandings: Not everyone will understand autism, and you may encounter stereotypes. Patience and clear communication might be helpful, but also remember that it is totally fine for you to decide that you don’t want or have the energy to ‘educate’ people.
Understanding Stigma: most common stigmatising responses
"You don’t look autistic."
This statement implies that there's a specific way an autistic person should appear, which is misleading and invalidating. Autism is a neuro type and is a spectrum, not every autistic person is the same and autism isn’t visible.
"We’re all a little bit autistic."
This comment trivialises the challenges that come with being autistic in a neurotypical world and suggests that the unique experiences of autistic individuals are universal.
"Autism is a superpower."
Why It’s Problematic: While this might seem like a positive comment, it can oversimplify the reality of living as an autistic person in a world designed for neurotypicals. Not all aspects of autism are positive, and many autistic individuals face significant challenges.
"Are you sure? You seem so normal."
This suggests that being autistic and being 'normal' are mutually exclusive, perpetuating the idea that autism is inherently abnormal or undesirable.
“Don’t let your mental disorders define you”. This statement minimizes the significance of autism as a fundamental aspect of identity and reduces it to a mere disorder (which is not). It also implies that acknowledging and embracing one’s autism is somehow a weakness.
“I don’t like labels”. This comment dismisses the importance of a diagnosis and the clarity it can provide. Labels can help in understanding oneself and accessing necessary support
“Oh, I see. That explains it.” This phrase can feel reductive, as if all your behaviors and characteristics are solely attributed to autism, ignoring the complexity of your personality.
“I am so sorry”. This response can be patronizing and imply that being autistic is something to be pitied, reinforcing negative stereotypes.
Dealing with Disrespectful Responses
Set Boundaries:
If someone’s comments are particularly hurtful or persistent, it’s okay to set boundaries. You might say, "I don't feel comfortable discussing this further," or "I’d appreciate it if you respect my experience." If you are not able to speak, feel free to leave the situation and explain it afterwards. Your wellbeing is the priority.
Educate, If You’re Comfortable:
Sometimes, people make insensitive comments out of ignorance rather than malice. If you feel up to it, providing a bit of education can help. You might explain a little bit about it or point people to specific resources, books, websites, etc.
Lean on Your Support Network:
After dealing with a negative response, talking to supportive friends, family, therapist, or members of the autistic community can help you process the experience and reaffirm your self-worth.
Practice Self-Care:
Encountering stigma can be draining. Make sure to take time for self-care, whether that means spending time with your special interest, hobbie, sensory dieting or talking with your therapist.
After Coming Out
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who support and understand you. This could include friends, family, or members of the autistic community.
Practice Self-Care: Pay attention to your mental and physical health. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge.
Advocate for Yourself: Be clear about your needs and accommodations. Advocacy can help you navigate environments that might not be naturally accommodating.
