Nice to Meet You!: Remembering Who You Are Beyond Masking: By Amanda Briones Marrero (@amandabrionesmarrero)

My official autism diagnosis does not include stereotypies. Everything else, yes, but not that. In fact, most of the DSM criteria that I meet were identified after a detailed evaluation, as no one would notice at first glance that I might have any social or sensory sensitivities, for example. This is because my masking abilities are so refined that it was only after 29 years and several conversations with a good friend—who is a psychologist, autistic, and ADHDer (thanks, Silvia)—that I suspected my apparent quirks had a common root: being born autistic without knowing it.

Nowadays, the spectrum is officially divided into three levels, as if it were a video game that separates the gifted from the non-gifted (note my sarcastic tone, which you might not notice if we were talking in person, because my sense of humor is not very normative). It would be reasonable to think that being “classified” at level 1, I have gone unnoticed as autistic until now, a time when there is more knowledge and tools about neurodivergence, especially in people of diverse genders. I myself have come to think that. But, again, this is not true.

Going back to the beginning of this post, it turns out that I do (or did) have stereotypies, and some of the most common ones, according to the neurotypical view that captures autism through “symptoms.” Recently, I found an old home video of myself at barely one or two years old. In that video, I was sitting on a floral sofa, very much in the style of a 90s house, and I was rhythmically and strongly rocking back and forth while making a regular sound. The curious thing is that I didn’t seem sick, abnormal, crazy, or weird—I clearly looked happy, even very happy (autistic joy!). Now comes the sad part: not only did I stop doing that movement entirely, but I also forgot that I had ever done it, to the point that during my evaluation, almost three decades after that video, I stated that I didn’t believe I had any stereotypies and even rejected the stimming toys that were offered to me to be more comfortable during the questions.

That inaccuracy in the evaluation is not the most important thing itself. First, because self-diagnosis is valid, and official reports simply help us obtain institutional validation, which unfortunately is necessary to navigate a neurotypical world where neurodivergent people, though numerous, are considered the exception. Second, because even without that trait, the DSM still considers me perfectly autistic, so there are no significant differences. The reason I bring up this anecdote is that when we mask all the time, almost intuitively, we may come to believe that the mask is a reality that exhaustively represents our entire being. If I forgot that rocking that brought me so much joy, what else might I have forgotten? How many of us have fragmented our identity into so many pieces that we wouldn’t be able to put the puzzle back together? And what do we do with that mask that has become a prosthesis, inseparable from our skin? Do we discard it completely, or keep it to defend ourselves when necessary? Masking is adaptive in many situations where we want to survive. But surviving is not living, even though for many autistic people, these verbs might be synonymous. Masking modifies and even suppresses identities that were and are valid and beautiful, but unacceptable to the norms of conventionality.

Masking, therefore, though sometimes useful, is a harmful practice that many autistic people want to deconstruct. And it’s also something we share with those socialized in femininity and gender nonconformists, as we have become keen social observers to imitate certain patterns and roles with which we believed we would go unnoticed and be accepted (though often, even this didn’t work).

However, I would like to propose a twist. The harm of masking is already done, and with it, probably traumatic experiences and self-denial that may take a long time to disappear. But with the help of supportive networks and neuro-affirmative therapy, perhaps we can turn our post-diagnosis journey into an opportunity to reconnect with who we were in a past life, when the weight of prejudices had not yet taken a toll on us. Reconnecting with our inner child is far from a cliché. For me, it’s a recovery and reaffirmation of an identity that was denied to us and that we can now reclaim with joy.

The Endless Coming Out: Navigating Non-Binary Identity in a Binary World

In this entrance, I want to expand the experience of coming out for some people. I have talked about coming out as autistic, coming out as part of the LGBTQ+ and now I want to address the constant need to come out over and over again for some gender identities, specifically for non-binary individuals.

For non-binary individuals, coming out isn’t a one-time event. Every time they show their passport or ID, fill out a form, or meet someone new, they are often faced with the necessity of explaining their identity. This constant need to come out can be exhausting and frustrating. The repetitive nature of explaining and asserting our identities can take a serious toll on our mental health. The looks, the misgendering, the explanations—it’s a draining experience that many non-binary people endure daily. Whether it's at the doctor's office, with a bank teller, or even at a social gathering, the script is often the same.

Research has shown that this perpetual coming out can significantly impact mental health. A study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health highlights that non-binary individuals face higher rates of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues compared to their cisgender peers. The need to constantly explain and justify one’s existence can contribute to feelings of stress, frustration, and invisibility.

The Trevor Project’s research underscores this, revealing that non-binary youth who experience misgendering and invalidation are at a higher risk for mental health issues. Respect and recognition of every identity are not just about social niceties; they are critical for our mental well-being.

And for a lot of non-binary or genderqueer people, the reality is that sometimes it hasn't been possible to come out or to change their legal documents, which then means that they move through the world with documentation marked with a gender that doesn’t reflect who they are.

- Where is this coming from? : The gender binary

The struggle against the gender binary isn’t just a contemporary issue—it has deep roots in history. Many pre-colonial societies had more fluid understandings of gender, recognizing and respecting multiple gender identities. However, colonial powers imposed rigid binary frameworks that erased these diverse identities and enforced strict conformity.

Patriarchy and colonialism have worked hand-in-hand to uphold the gender binary. These systems benefit from clear, controllable categories that reinforce existing power dynamics. The legacy of these structures continues to shape societal attitudes and institutional policies, making it harder for non-binary individuals to be seen and validated.

- Challenging the Binary

Despite these challenges, there are movements worldwide working to challenge and dismantle the gender binary. Legal recognition is a significant step, but societal attitudes need to evolve too. Educating people about non-binary identities and advocating for inclusive policies can help create environments where people don’t have to constantly come out.

To all my non-binary readers and allies: Remember, your identity is valid, and your experiences are real. Stay strong and proud.

Coming Out as Autistic: A Guide to Navigating Stigma and Finding Support

Whether you are self-diagnosed as autistic or you have completed a formal assessment, you might have realised that you are autistic as an adult and you might be thinking about coming out (sharing this part of your identity with others), but might feel unsure about it.  Deciding to tell other people you are autistic is a significant personal choice that can both lead to greater self-understanding and acceptance, but also come with challenges. 

This guide aims to help you navigate the process with practical advice on what to expect, how to prepare, and how to prioritise your safety and well-being.

Why would you like to tell others that you are autistic?

Before you decide to come out, take some time to reflect on your reasons to do this. Are you looking for understanding and support from others? Do you want to be open about your needs and experiences? Would it be easier/safer to unmask? 

Clarifying your motivations can help you communicate more effectively and prepare for various responses. Reasons are very different and personal and as long as you are doing this for you, it is fine. It is very common for autistic people to want to come out because they feel that they are ‘hiding’ if not or that they ‘can’t be themselves’, so sometimes that can be an important element for the person to free themselves from masking around safe people. However, it is important to consider your safety when coming out as autistic and to prioritise that above everything else.

Considering Safety First When Coming Out

 This includes both emotional and physical safety. Evaluate the environment and the people you plan to disclose to—are they generally supportive and understanding, or have they shown discriminatory behaviours in the past? Sometimes this is really difficult because you know you want to disclose this information to people that are not supportive but it feels important to you. In these cases, if you decide to go ahead it is crucial to ensure you have a safe space to retreat after if the response is negative. 

Additionally, have a support system in place, such as trusted friends, family, or a therapist, who can provide reassurance and assistance if needed. Understanding potential risks and having a plan to manage them can help you approach this significant step with greater confidence and security.

Preparing to Come Out

1. Give yourself time to process that you are autistic: Make sure you have a solid understanding of what autism means for you. For late-diagnosed adults, there is usually a process of re-evaluating their life with these new lenses, processing the information with that perspective and understanding things that did not make sense before. Giving yourself time to process and gain understanding about your neurotype will help you answer questions and address misconceptions.

2. Find Support: Connect with others in the autistic community who can offer advice and share their experiences. Online forums, support groups, and social media can be great resources.

3. Plan Your Approach: Think about how and when you want to come out. You might start with people you trust the most before telling others. Decide whether you want to have these conversations face-to-face, in writing, or via other methods.

4. Emotional Readiness: Coming out can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you’re in a good place mentally and have coping strategies in place.

5. Set Boundaries: You have the right to set boundaries about what you’re willing to discuss and with whom.

6. Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling with the emotional aspects of coming out, consider talking to a therapist who is neuroaffirming.

What to Expect

1. Varied Reactions: People’s reactions can range from supportive and understanding to confused or dismissive. Be prepared for a mix of responses and remember that if you anticipate the response to be dismissive, you don’t have to disclose it to this person. You might still decide it is worth it, but remember that the option is always yours. Below, we explore the most common stigmatising reactions that you might encounter. It might be helpful for you to read about them and internalised why so you are prepared for them.

2. Questions and Curiosity: Some people may have questions. Decide in advance how much detail you’re comfortable sharing. It’s okay to set boundaries.

3. Potential Misunderstandings: Not everyone will understand autism, and you may encounter stereotypes. Patience and clear communication might be helpful,  but also remember that it is totally fine for you to decide that you don’t want or have the energy to ‘educate’ people.

Understanding Stigma: most common stigmatising responses

1. "You don’t look autistic."

• This statement implies that there's a specific way an autistic person should appear, which is misleading and invalidating. Autism is a neuro type and is a spectrum, not every autistic person is the same and autism isn’t visible.

2. "We’re all a little bit autistic."

• This comment trivialises the challenges that come with being autistic in a neurotypical world and suggests that the unique experiences of autistic individuals are universal.

3. "Autism is a superpower."

• Why It’s Problematic: While this might seem like a positive comment, it can oversimplify the reality of living as an autistic person in a world designed for neurotypicals. Not all aspects of autism are positive, and many autistic individuals face significant challenges.

4. "Are you sure? You seem so normal."

• This suggests that being autistic and being 'normal' are mutually exclusive, perpetuating the idea that autism is inherently abnormal or undesirable.

5. “Don’t let your mental disorders define you”.  This statement minimizes the significance of autism as a fundamental aspect of identity and reduces it to a mere disorder (which is not). It also implies that acknowledging and embracing one’s autism is somehow a weakness.

6. “I don’t like labels”. This comment dismisses the importance of a diagnosis and the clarity it can provide. Labels can help in understanding oneself and accessing necessary support

7. “Oh, I see. That explains it.” This phrase can feel reductive, as if all your behaviors and characteristics are solely attributed to autism, ignoring the complexity of your personality.

8. “I am so sorry”. This response can be patronizing and imply that being autistic is something to be pitied, reinforcing negative stereotypes.

Dealing with Disrespectful Responses

1. Set Boundaries:

• If someone’s comments are particularly hurtful or persistent, it’s okay to set boundaries. You might say, "I don't feel comfortable discussing this further," or "I’d appreciate it if you respect my experience." If you are not able to speak, feel free to leave the situation and explain it afterwards. Your wellbeing is the priority.

2. Educate, If You’re Comfortable:

• Sometimes, people make insensitive comments out of ignorance rather than malice. If you feel up to it, providing a bit of education can help. You might explain a little bit about it or point people to specific resources, books, websites, etc. 

3. Lean on Your Support Network:

• After dealing with a negative response, talking to supportive friends, family, therapist, or members of the autistic community can help you process the experience and reaffirm your self-worth.

4. Practice Self-Care:

• Encountering stigma can be draining. Make sure to take time for self-care, whether that means spending time with your special interest, hobbie, sensory dieting or talking with your therapist.

After Coming Out

1. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who support and understand you. This could include friends, family, or members of the autistic community.

2. Practice Self-Care: Pay attention to your mental and physical health. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge.

3. Advocate for Yourself: Be clear about your needs and accommodations. Advocacy can help you navigate environments that might not be naturally accommodating.

World autism awareness day: Autism and ABA therapy

What is ABA?

ABA, short for Applied Behavioural Analysis, is usually defined as an ‘evidence based’ ‘treatment’ for autism to ‘improve’ language, communication skills and to decrease ‘problematic behavior’.

A definition that I am more comfortable with is that ABA is a type of conversion therapy and is abuse. There is no ‘not always’, ‘but’, ‘not the type of ABA that I do’, ‘some people need it’. ABA is abuse.

What is wrong with ABA?

ABA is a behaviour therapy, which means that it focuses on changing certain behaviours that are considered unacceptable. It is not about understanding or supporting, but about modifying behaviour. Desired behaviour is reinforced, while unacceptable behaviour is the one they want to get rid of, by repeating things over and over again until the unwanted behaviour has disappeared. 

Behavioural therapists practising ABA are NOT trying to understand autistic people’s experiences, but trying to change them for the comfort of society and to conform to what appears to be ‘normal’.  

• What is considered unacceptable behaviour? 

Autistic traits such as stimming, rocking, not making eye contact, getting ‘too attached’ to things, talking about the same thing too many times over and over again, not eating certain foods, not being able to touch certain textures, repeating sounds, having an intense interest, covering ears…

One of the biggest problems is that these kinds of approaches completely ignore the fact that everyone has a reason for doing something. Just because someone else doesn’t understand why a child doesn’t want to make eye contact, or is flapping their hands, that does not mean there is no valid reason for doing so. More importantly, some of these things like stimming are self-regulatory behaviours, so if you eliminate the behaviour you are teaching the person that they can’t self regulate and you are also teaching them to suppress their needs for the comfort of other people. 

ABA neglects the structure of the autistic brain, the overestimulation, the child development and self-regulated tools for autistic people and provides ‘treatment’ to make autistic people appear less autistic and conform to societal expectations. In other words, ABA forces autistic people to communicate in a certain way, socialise, regulate and move in ways that are unnatural and uncomfortable. 

ABA exposure has been linked to PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Kupferstein, 2018).

We are not broken: autistic masking.

There should be NO THERAPY for being autistic, just like there is no therapy for being a woman, black or being left handed. Being autistic is not a medical condition, but a specific neurotype. Autistic people have different support needs, which is not the same as saying that they need therapy to change their neurotype or behaviours associated with it. 

ABA suggests that the natural way of doing things for autistic people is wrong. That we are broken and must be fixed for non autistic people.  ABA teaches autistic people that their needs are less important than making people around them comfortable, making autistic people vulnerable to manipulation and abuse, and teaching them to measure themselves to Neurotypical standards and to mask their autistic traits. Masking has been linked with adverse mental health outcomes such as stress, anxiety, depression, and other psychological disorders, loss of identity, and suicidality

History of ABA: Autistic conversion therapy.

The history of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is deeply intertwined with conversion therapy, which has the goal to align a person's behavior with their assigned gender at birth and conforming to traditional gender roles and heterosexuality.

One prominent figure in the history of ABA, Dr. O. Ivar Lovaas, not only participated in conversion therapy but also played a role in its development. Lovaas supported and funded projects like the Feminine Boy Project, led by his student George Rekers. This project, funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), aimed to prevent "deviant behavior" in children, including what was then termed "prehomosexual behavior." The goal was to make these children conform to heterosexual and cisgender norms, using techniques of behavior modification pioneered by Lovaas.

The similarities between ABA and conversion therapy are striking. Both want to make individuals conform to societal norms, whether in terms of gender and sexuality or neurotypes. ABA, originally designed to make autistic individuals "indistinguishable from their typically-developing peers," shares the same roots and techniques as conversion therapy. Both seek to make "different" or "abnormal" individuals "normal" through behavioural modification, often employing methods that are now recognized as harmful.

We're not broken, we're just different. And we deserve to be celebrated for that. Being autistic isn't a problem to be fixed – it's a unique way of being that deserves respect and acceptance. 

Coming out guide: Embracing your authentic self

Whether you're contemplating coming out about your sexual orientation or gender identity, the journey can be both daunting and liberating. Living in a cis-heteronormative society adds layers of complexity to this experience, often leaving us struggling with our identity and societal expectations.

In this article, we're here to help those thinking about coming out. We want to give you advice and support to feel more confident, be true to yourself and find acceptance.

How to come out: Some questions to ask yourself before coming out…

First of all, you might want to be open about who you are, but you need to consider your own safety. Is it safe to come out? Is there a risk that you could be physically harmed or thrown out of your house? If yes, it is probably safer not to share. There might be other support available for you to discuss this, like the LGBT helpline: 1800929539.

If you feel safe, it might be worth asking yourself if you are planning on coming out because you feel that ‘you are supposed to’, ‘it is the right thing to do’ or because other people might have told you. This is a decision that should come just from you and something that you are doing for you, not for other people. There is no right or wrong way to come out and only you can decide what feels right for you. If you decide you prefer not to come out, that is ok too.

This article is here to give you some guidance on how to come out and to help you process the information before taking the first step, but remember that everyone's process is unique, valid and different based on things like personal comfort level, environment, support available, and other considerations.

A bit of preparation…

When deciding who to come out to, consider the level of trust in your relationship with someone. It is also important to think about who will support you during this process, as a strong support system can help in the coming out process and make you feel more empowered during this important time.

If you’re not sure how someone will respond to you coming out, you could get a sense of that person’s attitudes by asking them about their attitudes towards LGBTQIA-related topics in the news. If you get a sense that they are not very supportive, ponder the decision and think about your mental health first.

It is exhausting having to explain, justify and defend yourself and your relationships when coming out. It is hard to break normative scripts and to feel questioned or attacked rather than supported.

Remember that you are under NO obligation to answer any question that makes you cringe or feels uncomfortable. If a person asks you something that feels too personal or sounds to you in any way inappropriate, know that you have no obligation at all to answer them.

Know your boundaries before you have these conversations, and stick to them during the inquiries. When this occurs, and it likely will at some point, the easiest solution is to encourage the person to do their own research. Let them know that there are websites, forums, and studies about these personal topics and that they can do their own research. It is not your responsibility to educate people, even if the expectation is placed on you. Free yourself from it!

Coming out…

• Think about why you want to come out to a person and why now. Is this the best time for you and the person you want to tell? What factors could make the process easier or more challenging?

• Think about what you will say. It might be easier for you to introduce the topic slowly.

• Make sure the situation is appropriate. Ideally, find a space where you and the other person can talk openly without distractions and are free to take the time to have a discussion about your feelings.

• The person might need time adjusting to your news and even might react in a way you might not expect. Be ready for this. It is not uncommon for people to need time to process the information you’ve shared with them, even if they love you dearly. Consider that you’ve had time to understand your feelings but this is the first time the other person is hearing this information.

• Be prepared and think about how to address different responses and reactions from people. Some people may surprise you with their openness, while others may not be as understanding as you thought they would be.

• Remember that your safety is the priority. Consider how coming out to someone may change your relationship with them or how it could affect your living situation or financial support. If these could potentially beaffected, try to make plans for how to address these changes.

• Plan a space or support group to visit afterwards or do something nice for yourself. Coming out can bring up a lot of stuff, thoughts and feelings, and you may feel the need to share these with a supportive friend or group.

After reading through this article, you may decide that this is not a good time for you to come out. That’s ok.

On one hand, even if you decide not to come out now you do not have to keep your LGBTQIA identity a secret forever. On the other hand, recognise that circumstances will never be 100% perfect, or that you might be in a situation where it won’t be safe to come out, and that doesn’t make your identity any less valid.

ADHD and executive functioning

Living with ADHD presents unique challenges, but with perseverance and the right tools, you can navigate daily life more effectively.

In this post, I'll share some of the struggles I've faced and the practical strategies I've discovered along the way.

Some of my ADHD struggles and journey look like:

• Constantly misplacing keys or forgetting essentials like my wallet were daily frustrations.

• Zoning out mid-conversation and struggling not to interrupt were common occurrences.

• Spatial orientation challenges often led to getting lost before the advent of Google Maps.

• Hyperfocusing on hobbies only to lose interest shortly after left many projects unfinished.

• Memory lapses and difficulty articulating opinions due to focusing on feelings rather than details were ongoing battles.

Do you relate to some of these? ADHD, or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, is a neurotype that bring unique perspectives to the table, including creativity, hyperfocus, resilience, lateral thinking, enthusiasm, intuition, out-of-the-box thinking, spontaneity, empathy, and perseverance. However, it is also characterized by difficulties with attention, impulse control, and hyperactivity.

Individuals with ADHD often struggle with executive functioning, leading to challenges in managing time, staying organized, and completing tasks. This can manifest in forgetfulness, impulsivity, and difficulty with prioritization, making planning and executing daily activities more challenging.

Practical Tools and Strategies:

Time Blocking and Task Batching: Allocate specific time blocks for tasks and group similar activities together to minimize distractions. For example, dedicate mornings to work-related tasks and afternoons to personal projects.

Mind Mapping and Visual Tools: Use visual diagrams to brainstorm ideas and organize thoughts. I find that creating mind maps helps me visualize the big picture and break down complex tasks.

Pomodoro Technique: Break tasks into focused intervals followed by short breaks. For example, use a timer to keep track of your work sessions, which helps you to stay on track and manage your time effectively despite time blindness.

Chronometring Yourself: This involves timing yourself while performing tasks to gain a better understanding of how long they take. By knowing how much time certain activities require, you can plan your day more efficiently and mitigate the challenges of time blindness.

Environmental Modifications: Create a conducive work environment by minimizing distractions and utilizing sensory-friendly adjustments. For example, I use noise-canceling headphones to block out background noise and maintain focus.

Body doubling. Accountability Partners and Flexible Goal Setting: Pair up with a support partner and set flexible goals with room for adjustment. Regular check-ins with my accountability partner help me stay accountable and motivated.

Remember that you're not alone in your struggles; many of us face similar challenges. It's okay to seek support and implement strategies that work best for you.

What is autistic burnout?

Feeling drained, overwhelmed, or depleted?

Ever find yourself navigating a world that seems to operate on frequencies you can't quite tune into? Have you ever felt like you're running on empty, both physically and emotionally? If you identify as autistic – whether officially diagnosed, self-diagnosed, or questioning – you're not alone in facing these challenges.

Picture this: You're in the midst of your day, the demands piling up, the sensory stimuli buzzing around like an orchestra of dissonance. It's in these moments that you might be wondering, "Is anyone else feeling this too?" The answer is a resounding yes. Autistic burnout is a term that describes the challenges that many autistic people face in a world that is often non-affirming.

Autistic burnot externally manifests as withdrawal, fatalistic thinking, exhaustion, frustration, and disorganization. Internally, it's a complex mix of depression, anxiety, numbness, difficulty to keep up. Executive functioning is highly affected too.

Recognizing autistic burnout

• Here are some of the main sypmtoms that may indicate that you are experiencing autistic burnout:

• Emotional Symptoms: You feel overwhelmed, you experience an increase in meltdowns and shutdowns or they are more prolonged or intense. You feel very emotional or you feel numb.

• Cognitive Symptoms: You struggle to concentrate, you find problem-solving more difficult, experience slower thinking, slower processing information and feel mentally exhausted.

• Physical Symptoms: You feel really drained, depleted and extremely exhausted. It is difficult to get out of bed and feel like you need to sleep all the time. The physical exhaustion is not due to a physical illness, excessive exercise or other physical causes.

• Executive Functioning Symptoms: Planning, organization and problem-solving abilities are more challenging than usual. You struggle to start an activity, you feel stuck and find it difficult to transition from one thing to the next, you have difficulties creating or following a routine.

• Social Symptoms: Socialising feels really challenging, even communicating via text feels overwhelming and responding takes longer than usual. Masking feels more draining than usual or is impossible to do.

• Sensory Symptoms: You are hypersensitive to sensory stimuli, things that did not use to bother you are affecting you at the moment. You need to stim more, your dietary patterns are more rigid now.

  These are only some of the symptoms that autistic people that are experiencing burnout usually report. You don’t have to experience all of them in the same way they are described in this article, and you might experience things that are not on the list. While autistic burnout is not a medical term or formal diagnosis that can be found on the DSM, but an experience widely discussed by autistic individuals, it does not mean that individuals experiencing it don’t need support or should not be taken seriously. Autistic burnout can have a huge negative impact on your mental health and serious consequences if left untreated. 

  So, are you burnout?:

  First, let’s try to gauge how you are feeling right now, on a scale from 1 to 10, 0 being the worst you have ever felt and 10 is the best you have ever felt. This can be used as a measure to see how bad things are for you and to compare it in the future.

  Now, let’s look at things in your life that are feeding the autistic burnout that you are experiencing at the moment. In order to do that, let’s look at the following questions:

  1. What are things that are making you feel stressed on a normal day?

  2. Are you struggling with sensory sensitivities? Is this happening more than usual?

  3. Do you feel annoyed or angry for having to remember every daily task, plan things in advance or organise things?

  4. Are there any life changing events going on for you at the moment?

  If you can’t think of everything that is adding to the stress and feeding the autistic burnout, you can use a notebook to write down every time you notice something makes you feel worse. If you find it hard to notice things in the moment, it might be useful to ask yourself about a time in your life when you didn’t feel burnout. What was different? 

Strategies for recovery

• Some strategies to recover from autistic burnout:

  1. Lower the demands. You might be used to pushing yourself but if you are burnout you need to stop and take a break to recharge. Lower the demands, take breaks and stop doing things that require a lot of energy from you. 

  If you are able to identify the things that are causing you stress and feeding into burnout, you can remove or reduce this stressor in the short, medium and/or long term.   This can look like reducing some sensory stressors by wearing ear plugs, cutting labels out of clothing or wearing sunglasses. Or getting out of some of the social events you don’t have the energy to commit to, put on hold some of the things that are on your ‘to-do’ list, and so on. If you find yourself struggling to do this, it might be due to perfectionism. I am sure that there are some things  that are essential, but others can actually wait.

  2. Take a break. This might be difficult in some cases, and very often when you realise you are burnout you find yourself stuck in a situation difficult to change anything. You can’t take time off work or education, you have a lot of responsibilities and situations where you feel that you have to mask. 

  It is important to take a break within your possibilities. This can look like a few weeks off work on sick leave, taking a couple of days of annual leave, booking in  a few hours each day/ week/ month where you have no demands on you at all, asking for support to do housework or even allowing yourself to rest and going somewhere quiet every day for a few minutes where you don’t have to mask and can decompress.

  3. Physical Self-Care: While some physical self-care tasks might feel draining, it is important to continue to take care of ourselves and have our basic needs met in order to feel better. Physical self-care can also lok like sensory self-care: do things that relax you and make you feel physically better and stop doing things that feel overwhelming at the moment.

  4. Focus on a Special Interest: Backing away from these interests usually indicates that you are starting to burnout. In order to recover, it is essential to find a way to engage with these special interests or to find new ones. Spending time doing things that you are passionate about is great in order to recharge.  Individuals experiencing burnout frequently prioritise staying at work and reducing engagement in activities that bring them happiness. Although this may appear reasonable, it can be counterproductive, leading to decreased mood and energy due to the absence of positive experiences. If you find yourself with limited energy, make a conscious effort to prioritise activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment. Doing so can contribute to an improvement in your mood.

  Reconnecting with your passions during burnout might initially seem overwhelming, but you can ease into it by incorporating small changes. Not all activities, people, and environments have the same impact on your energy and stress levels. Some may deplete your energy and increase stress, while others can replenish your energy and alleviate stress. Take some time to compile a list of activities, individuals, and settings where you feel rejuvenated or less stressed. It could be a supportive friend, a comforting pet, a nature walk, a swim in the sea, or simply spending time in a favourite room playing video games, watching TV, or reading.

  5. Design a lifestyle that protects you from autistic burnout.

  Recovering from burnout is the first necessary step, but it will eventually happen again if you don’t make long-term changes in your life, as far as possible. Is there social, emotional, mental or physical energy that you can save so you don’t burnout again? Can you save any spoons? It is a process to work on, but you might realise that you have to lower your expectations and that you are comparing yourself to neurotypical people and are setting really high and unrealistic standards because of that. As an autistic individual growing up and living in a neurotypical world it is very normal that you will have compared yourself to your neurotypical peers.  But remember that you don’t have to do all the things that you think other neurotypical people are doing!

The Double Empathy Problem

Have you ever heard of the Double Empathy Problem?

The Double Empathy Problem is a concept that challenges the traditional understanding of empathy. It suggests that misunderstandings and difficulties in communication can happen, not only from the perspective of neurodivergent individuals but also from a lack of reciprocal understanding by neurotypical folks.

Talking about this theory, means, not only being aware of the mutual struggle in connecting between individuals with different neurotypes, but also removing the expectation that the autistic person should communicate in a certain way to be understood and to place the responsibility on them.

Even though the double empathy problem is a cross-neurotype mismatch relating to both autistics and allistics, it has a greater negative impact in autistic individuals. There is a correlation between autistics being misperceived by neurotypicals and being at heightened risk of poor mental health.The opposite does not exist for allistic individuals.

One reason for autistic's poor mental health is that we are burdened with having to develop our understanding of neurotypical norms and experiences in order to survive in the neurotypical-dominant world. However, there is not the same expectation for neurotypicals to try and understand autistic experiences. The mismatch goes both ways, but the responsibility is often put on autistics to “figure out” how to be included in society.

Double empathy also becomes a “problem” when allistics and autistics interact with each other and are unaware of the limits of cross-neurotype understanding.

What does research say?

Since research has historically been designed and done by neurotypicals, it is often biased. Due to double empathy, if research is based on comparing against neurotypical norms and expectations, autistics will always look “deficient”, while neurotypicals will always look “capable”. Thankfully, more and more research has recognized the biases involved in it and have made adjustments.

Research shows that non-autistic people quickly become less interested in interacting with autistic people than with other allistic people, which translates into autistic people having fewer opportunities to meet people and make friends.

Why does this happen?

It is not because autistic people talk about things that are less interesting. When non-autistic people read the words of what autistic people are saying, they do not judge them any differently than they judge non-autistic people. So, it really seems that it is how autistic people appear and sound, and not what they talk about, that leads non-autistic people to judge and avoid autistic people. The impact that this has on autistic people is that they might have fewer opportunities to make friends or get jobs because of how non-autistic people judge them.

Why might autistic people find it easier to understand other autistic people?

Different studies indicate that autistic people are less likely to rely on typical social expectations for interacting, or be upset if such expectations are not followed. In other words, autistic people give each other more freedom to express themselves in unique ways.

A commom example of a non-autistic lack of empathy for Autistic experiences is the reaction from allistic people when we mention we are Autistic. A very common response from non-autistic individuals is, ‘don’t worry, we are all a bit on the spectrum’. The non-autistic person’s response is often intended empathetically, as a way to ‘normalise’ our Autistic experience. But this non-autistic response presumes that Autistics don’t want to be Autistic (since the non-autistic person does not want to be Autistic themselves).

Improving our understanding of the ways that autistic and non-autistic people interact might help autistic people to find it easier to spend time with non-autistic friends and family as well as non-autistic teachers, doctors, and employers. By finding out more about how the double empathy problem plays out in real life, we can help non-autistic and autistic people to understand each other better and help them to “meet in the middle.”

Alexithymia - How to manage it?

Alexithymia means that you have challenges identifying and describing your own emotions, identifying feelings, distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations (interoception), describing feelings to others or identifying facial expressions. You might also have a thinking style focused on external events and avoiding inner experiences.

Alexithymia can be divided into two types:

• Cognitive alexithymia . This means you have difficulties in identifying, verbalizing, and analyzing emotions.

• Affective alexithymia — This means difficulties in imagination and emotional arousal and the level of fantasizing and day dreaming.

Alexithymia is more common among autistic people and is often overlooked in autistic people, as it is often assumed that these symptoms are just autistic traits. This can leave the individual with a feeling of being lost, not knowing what to do or how to deal with their symptoms. Alexithymia is often linked with anxiety or depression and can have devastating consequences in your personal relationships, your self-esteem and your overall wellbeing.

• How can you manage alexithymia?

First of all, is important to remember that research shows that alexithymia is a defense mechanism against highly emotional events and is often linked to having experienced trauma, so it could be beneficial to work through this in therapy.

Other things that you can do to manage your alexithymia, are:

• Learn more about how to identify your own emotions and how to communicate your feelings. Try to be aware everyday about your own sensations until you can make sense of them.

• Practice relaxation or meditation on a daily basis to increase emotional awareness. What are you feeling? Where? How does it feel? It might be difficult to put it into words, but at this stage is just about being aware of them.

• Seek out social support and cultivate close relationship with friends or family. Having alexithymia often make people isolate themselves and not look for support. It can also be linked with feeling embarrassed or ashamed about not understanding your own feelings.

• Get in touch with people who have similar experiences. Knowing that there are others that feel the same way is often helpful to feel understood and to not feel lonely.

• Develop a daily routine and structure that helps you manage stress and anxiety.

• Engage with creative activities that stimulate your imagination. Art or music are a good start.

• Ask others for clear communication and to label their own feelings.

• Train your interoception. Do you need to go to the toilet? Are you hungry? How does this affects your emotions and the way you communicate? Others close to you might be able to notice this before you do.

What is Feminist Therapy?

It is a therapeutic approach that views the political and personal intertwined, and considers how social inequity impacts mental health.

Feminist Therapy derives from an in-depth interrogation of standpoints that are unavailable to the dominant culture because they have been relegated to the margins: people of color, lesbian, gay, bisexual, gender non-conforming, queer, people with disabilities, and so on. Feminist Therapy listen the voices and experiences of those who have been defined as ‘other’ by the dominant culture.

• What to expect in a therapy session:

  • Work is collaborative. Feminist therapists try to level traditional power dynamics in the client-therapist relationship, viewing the client as a collaborator and an expert on their own experience, rather than therapist being the professional and telling the client what to do.

  • Feminist Therapy encourage feedback, openness and authenticity, so this be really validating and eye-opening. Feminist therapists will ask questions to gain a better sense of the client’s experience and sessions will be guided by both client and therapist.

  • Diagnosis or the medical model are NOT a centre of this model. The idea of pathology is moved from being located in individuals to social environments. These can look like: being neurodivergent and focussing on what are the difficulties for you living in a neurotypical world, masking and so on, rather than focussing on ‘what is wrong with you’ (nothing!).

  • Empowerment, enlightenment and feelings of independence are encouraged in this type of therapy.

  • Gain more insight about how different oppressions are interconnected and are impacting your mental health.

• Some techniques used in Feminist Therapy:

  • Self disclosure. This is when your therapist shares something personal about themselves in the session, that is relevant to what you shared/what you are going through at the moment. This can strengthen the therapeutic relationship and often help the client to feel understood.

  • Power analysis. Explore your privileges, disadvantages, oppressions and how they impact your experience.

  • Psychoeducation: Supporting clients gaining knowledge about issues that might arise in therapy, with a gender perspective. For instance, why neurodivergencies are underdiagnosed in women or how gender roles impact our wellbeing.

• Is Feminist Therapy Effective?

Yes, it is. Empirical studies have demonstrated the negative impact of oppression on mental health outcomes. Feminist therapists’ attention to power and oppression, the importance of egalitarian therapeutic relationships, and benefits of consciousness-raising and empowerment are some of the keys element that Feminist Therapy uses to work on your mental health.

Feminist Therapy is a non-biased approach because it works actively trying to combat certain biases that we all have at some level, like gender prejudice. A Psychotherapy approach that doesn’t incorporate a gender perspective and does not take into consideration how different oppressions and how they can appear in the therapy room, would be biased and less effective.

• Do you want to know more? A bit of history.
  
  Feminist Therapy was developed in 1960s as a response to the previously male-dominated field of psychology, so that women could have a therapeutic environment free from the sexist response common in the field by then.

  Researchers say that feminist therapy was unique in that it acknowledged that women could experience emotional distress due to overt oppression and marginalization, as well as micro aggressions. Though it acknowledges societal causes and issues at play, feminist therapy holds individuals accountable for their own decisions.

  It started alongside the women’s rights movement, revolving around white cis women’s mental health. However, since this therapy began in the 1960s, it has evolved to be more inclusive. Nowadays, it is not only focussed on white cis-women, rather than including every race, culture, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability and so on. Contemporary feminist therapy also holds the importance of increasing awareness of personal and implicit bias, as well as adopting an anti-racist stance.

Bisexuality and Impostor Syndrome - How to deal with it

I am bisexual and I have been dealing with impostor syndrome through my whole life, specially since I became aware or started to accept that I was actually bisexual.

If you are bisexual, my experience might be also familiar to yours. I have found that many bisexual people have experienced the feeling of ‘not being queer enough’ and have wrestled with impostor syndrome. You might be wondering if you can still call yourself queer or bisexual if you have dated mainly people of opposite gender (if you identify as a woman, you have dated mainly men, for example). You might have been questioned or judge about your sexuality by others ‘so you are straight/gay now?’, ‘Are you greedy/promiscuous?’, ‘you are only gay/straight when it suits you’.

What happens is that we internalized this biphobia and end up telling these things to ourselves. ‘Can I call myself bisexual if I am in a straight relationship?’ ‘Can I call myself bisexual if I have never dated a woman/men’? Yes, you can. There is no one way to be bisexual, the LGBTQIA+ is a spectrum and being bisexual does not mean that you like people from your gender or different genders in the exact same amount or percentage, 50-50. You can be bisexual and still have personal preferences.

However, it is difficult to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community when we live in a cis-heteronormative society and everybody is telling you in one way or another that what you are doing, who you are or what you feel is somehow wrong. Specially, if you are bisexual you can face discrimination from straight people but, also, sometimes from the LGBTQIA+ community. There are still a lot of people that don’t believe that bisexuality is real or don’t take it seriously.

Maybe you even have internalized that bisexuality doesn’t exist ant that this is ‘just a phase’. But is not. Bisexuality is being attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender, and these other genders include people of the opposite sex, same sex, non binary, gender fluid and so on. You don’t need to hook up with anyone or date anyone to prove this attraction. Queerness is NOT defined by our relationships, actions, or behaviours. Remember that you could also identify as bi-romantic but in fact not have sexual attraction. That doesn’t make you any less queer.

And because we internalised biphobia and impostor syndrome what happens sometimes is that, even when you do have a relationship or a sexual encounter with someone from the same gender, you still denied your bisexuality with ‘No, it was a one time thing’, ‘I am straight’, ‘It didn’t mean anything’. I have also been there. Stop gaslighting yourself!

What are the consequences of bisexual impostor syndrome?

• It is often linked to depression and anxiety, so it can affect your mental health.

• Suicide rates are higher in the LGBTQIA+ community. Often, because of living in a heteronormative society and the pressure that this put on us. Again, it can really affect your mental health and wellbeing to take on the prejudice and bias that others are placing on you.

• It can create confusion around your sexuality or even difficulties in accepting your sexual identity.

• It can lower down your self-esteem and confidence.

How can you manage this internal impostor syndrome? How do you stop telling yourself you are not ‘queer enough?’

• Build a community with fluid folks who are also exploring their place within the LGBTQIA+ community.

• Read books about sexuality and bisexuality that talk about this as a spectrum (because it is, is not like you like 50% of man and 50% of women. Gender is also fluid, even though we still define it as something binary).

• Stop telling yourself that this is a phase and it will pass. This will only create more confusion and shame around your sexuality. Believe me, I have been there.

• Sometimes therapy can really help with learning that your sexuality is no less valid because of your current relationship or behaviours (if you are dating a man/women, you are still bi!) and that you don’t have to prove your queerness to anyone.

Non-productive self-care

Self-care has become really popular these days but is still often associated with luxurious baths, going to spas, doing face masks, going to a weekend retreat, and so on. The problem with this idea is that we don’t all have the money, time or privilege to do those things.

Self-care is also often associated with “creating something”, doing something “productive”, like painting something, knitting or crocheting, embroidering, writing… Nothing wrong with this idea as self-care should be considered anything that fuels up in a healthy way. However, it can reinforce that self-care has to be something ‘productive’, where you create something useful and you spend a fair amount of time doing that, even the days that you don’t feel like it. You feel like you have to do EVERYTHING. You have to exercise and maintain a healthy physique, but you also have to attend every outing with your friends, you have to eat healthy every day and you have to volunteer or have hobbies on your own. It is a lot of pressure, and it is normal that sometimes you are not going to want to do those things, but it creates guilt and self-blame. Because we live in a capitalist society this feeling is often normalised or even reinforced by other people.

When I talk about self-care with my clients, this often comes up. How am I going to take care of myself If I am not good at painting/writing/I don’t have any hobbies? I have tried to eat healthy everyday, exercise 5 times per week and go out and do more things, but I have failed.

Self care has become something that you can’t really afford or something that stresses you more, because is not about the activity is about creating something that others could consider good/artistic or something that ‘is perfect’, or about doing as much activities as possible in a day.

How can you practice non-productive self-care?

Set aside some ‘non-productive time’ or a ‘non-productive day’. Society demands things from us all the time, so taking a break from that can be really therapeutic. Give yourself permission to slow down and to not be ‘productive’. Sometimes that is everything you need.

You might notice the guilt creeping in, let that feeling be there but don’t act on it. Just sit with it.

Non-productive self-care is about listening to your own needs and ignore expectations that society or other people around you might have set for you. So it can look very different for different people. It can be just sitting and doing NOTHING, eating your favourite snack or listening to music that you really like. It doesn’t have to be something extremely creative or original.

Can you try it?

Internalized ableism

What is internalized ableism?

Internalized ableism happens when we project negative feelings onto ourselves. It stems from how society labels disability as inferior, and is rooted on stereotypes.

We are told by society that we have to meet their expectations, what they see as ‘normal’. However, society has set up standards for ‘normal’ that are impossible to achieve. So, when we don’t, we feel ‘abnormal’ and ‘unfit’ for society. The truth is that there are societal stereotypes as to what disability looks like, when, in fact, disability looks like everything. These societal stereotypes can impact us and make us deny our equity rights and accommodations needed. You refuse to seek for help because ‘you don’t look disable’ so you dismiss yourself.

How do you know if you experience internalized ableism?

You might be experiencing internalized ableism if you find yourself thinking things like you don’t fit in the disability community, you are not ‘disabled enough’, feeling lazy or like you are not trying hard enough, internalizing other people’s comments, feeling like you don’t ‘deserve’ accommodations.

An example of internalized ableism is acting as if ‘autistic behaviours’ are shameful, something we are not supposed to do. These feelings of shame and guilt are the result of the ways we have been mistreated by the dominant culture.

How do you manage internalized ableism?

We might never fully overcome internalized ableism because it is very rooted, sneaky and it might find it’s way back in. But, we can work on it to make it harder each time it tries to take a root.

You can manage internalized ableism by:

• Become aware of ableism both in society and yourself. Only being able to notice the thoughts, feelings and behaviour attached to internalized ableism is what is going to help you to change it.

• Do not stop asking for accommodations and support. You need it and deserve it.

• Receiving support does not mean you are a failure or you are weak, rather than the system has been created inequitably.

• Your worth is not measured by your level of productivity. You are not what you do.