Coming out guide: Embracing your authentic self
Whether you're contemplating coming out about your sexual orientation or gender identity, the journey can be both daunting and liberating. Living in a cis-heteronormative society adds layers of complexity to this experience, often leaving us struggling with our identity and societal expectations.
In this article, we're here to help those thinking about coming out. We want to give you advice and support to feel more confident, be true to yourself and find acceptance.
How to come out: Some questions to ask yourself before coming out…
First of all, you might want to be open about who you are, but you need to consider your own safety. Is it safe to come out? Is there a risk that you could be physically harmed or thrown out of your house? If yes, it is probably safer not to share. There might be other support available for you to discuss this, like the LGBT helpline: 1800929539.
If you feel safe, it might be worth asking yourself if you are planning on coming out because you feel that ‘you are supposed to’, ‘it is the right thing to do’ or because other people might have told you. This is a decision that should come just from you and something that you are doing for you, not for other people. There is no right or wrong way to come out and only you can decide what feels right for you. If you decide you prefer not to come out, that is ok too.
This article is here to give you some guidance on how to come out and to help you process the information before taking the first step, but remember that everyone's process is unique, valid and different based on things like personal comfort level, environment, support available, and other considerations.
A bit of preparation…
When deciding who to come out to, consider the level of trust in your relationship with someone. It is also important to think about who will support you during this process, as a strong support system can help in the coming out process and make you feel more empowered during this important time.
If you’re not sure how someone will respond to you coming out, you could get a sense of that person’s attitudes by asking them about their attitudes towards LGBTQIA-related topics in the news. If you get a sense that they are not very supportive, ponder the decision and think about your mental health first.
It is exhausting having to explain, justify and defend yourself and your relationships when coming out. It is hard to break normative scripts and to feel questioned or attacked rather than supported.
Remember that you are under NO obligation to answer any question that makes you cringe or feels uncomfortable. If a person asks you something that feels too personal or sounds to you in any way inappropriate, know that you have no obligation at all to answer them.
Know your boundaries before you have these conversations, and stick to them during the inquiries. When this occurs, and it likely will at some point, the easiest solution is to encourage the person to do their own research. Let them know that there are websites, forums, and studies about these personal topics and that they can do their own research. It is not your responsibility to educate people, even if the expectation is placed on you. Free yourself from it!
Coming out…
Think about why you want to come out to a person and why now. Is this the best time for you and the person you want to tell? What factors could make the process easier or more challenging?
Think about what you will say. It might be easier for you to introduce the topic slowly.
Make sure the situation is appropriate. Ideally, find a space where you and the other person can talk openly without distractions and are free to take the time to have a discussion about your feelings.
The person might need time adjusting to your news and even might react in a way you might not expect. Be ready for this. It is not uncommon for people to need time to process the information you’ve shared with them, even if they love you dearly. Consider that you’ve had time to understand your feelings but this is the first time the other person is hearing this information.
Be prepared and think about how to address different responses and reactions from people. Some people may surprise you with their openness, while others may not be as understanding as you thought they would be.
Remember that your safety is the priority. Consider how coming out to someone may change your relationship with them or how it could affect your living situation or financial support. If these could potentially beaffected, try to make plans for how to address these changes.
Plan a space or support group to visit afterwards or do something nice for yourself. Coming out can bring up a lot of stuff, thoughts and feelings, and you may feel the need to share these with a supportive friend or group.
After reading through this article, you may decide that this is not a good time for you to come out. That’s ok.
On one hand, even if you decide not to come out now you do not have to keep your LGBTQIA identity a secret forever. On the other hand, recognise that circumstances will never be 100% perfect, or that you might be in a situation where it won’t be safe to come out, and that doesn’t make your identity any less valid.
